


Fool That I am

by heavenlyspice



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Enemies to Lovers, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, I Tried, Mentions of Violence, Sort Of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-03
Updated: 2019-07-03
Packaged: 2020-06-03 06:29:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19458295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heavenlyspice/pseuds/heavenlyspice
Summary: The moment she saw him was when she knew this was a terrible idea.He didn’t trust her, and he didn’t care about anything she had to say. But he will.





	Fool That I am

**Author's Note:**

> The title comes from a Etta James's song.  
> This takes places during CA:CW, before the airport fight.

Where is it? Could it be this one? Oh, it was this one.

An old building and Steve’s provisional address.

She expected to meet him to help or at least talk, that was the only thing she could do now, but Steve was still her friend and she couldn’t leave him all alone. So after a 22 minute’s ride, she was standing in front of this dusty place, but it was a good façade, you could tell there wasn’t a soul in miles.

Natasha walked up the stairs and knocked softly at the door, slow and barely audible footsteps were coming.

 _Oh_. An unexpected Bucky opened up.

The pair exchanged odd looks. She wasn’t with them, she wasn’t their ally. That was the first thing that came to his mind. They had fought in Vienna recently, he fought lots of people, everything that happened there was a total clusterfuck. Everyone wanted him out and it was exhausting.

“I though Steve was here.”

“He was, left five minutes ago, but told me you were coming.” A husky voice left his mouth.

“Good.”

“He said it won’t take long and left something for you to read on the table. Get in.”

She stepped in and Bucky instantly closed the door behind her, the room became quiet and heavy. He unconsciously scanned her neck and body to see if she had a mayor injure because of him.

Natasha observed with curiosity the place they were crashing, small and with an old cracked ceramic floor but a decent black sofa in the middle of the room where Bucky sat roughly, following the woman reach the table only with his sight, interest and doubt more than anything.

A folder, photos and a couple pages of loose information. A little note was visible over the documents.

_“I had to see Sharon. Urgent but I’ll be back soon._

_Check this while I’m out, sorry. :)_ _”_

Natasha smiled to herself.

_Damn it, Steve._

The woman could feel the weight of Bucky’s eyes on her. Her hands and posture, analyzing every little change, waiting for her next move. There was something dark in the way he watched her, full of mistrust and making her impatient on purpose. She was intruding his place after all.

“Do you have coffee in this place?” Natasha raised her eyes to him, scanning him swiftly. He was wearing the same clothes, a red shirt, old jeans and the same cold and unreadable look.

“I don’t know.”

“Do you mind if I check?”

“No.” Great. How expressive of him.

She got into the kitchen with his eyes stabbing her back. The wasn’t a real division between the living room they were and the kitchen, barely a few steps from the table, and the space between her place and his on the couch was vast, they wouldn’t touch each other not even by coincidence.

Checking some drawers, she found some instant coffee and filled a kettle. It wasn’t the best, but she has had it worse.

“So, he went with Sharon?” The woman filled the uncomfortable silence while leafing through the files Steve left for her, but only receiving a frown from him. “He wrote it down.”

“Yeah, she called him.”

“More data?” 

“I don’t know.” He stared at her for longs seconds before speaking again. “Why are you here?”

“What?”

“What are you doing here?”

“You think I should have asked for your permission first?” Bucky closed his eyes and chuckled dryly. He looked like a completely different person, handsome and surrounded with a mysterious vibe. “It was Steve who told me to come, I just offered him my help. We spoke a little on the phone and I told him to go to a coffee shop or something, but he said that this was the only safe place by the moment. I didn’t even know you were here. Then Sharon called and… I didn’t even know he was seeing Sharon.”

“This is not my house.”

“I kind of put that together.” She knew that his was trashed and tore in half. Overkill on her opinion.

“You didn’t answer my question. What are you here for?”

“I’m not your enemy, I’m not here to hunt you. Look, after all Steve’s still my friend and I wouldn’t like seeing him in prison. And you either, especially if it’s not fair, I know you are being set up.”

“You want to help me now?” the man asked sharply narrowing his eyes and leaning forward with his hands over his knees, receiving a questioning look in response by Natasha.

“Did I not make myself clear? and where’s Sam? I thought he’d be here.”

“You would like to know.”

“What’s that?” Natasha gave a few steps forward, throwing the folder above the table.

“You think I don’t know who you are and what you’re doing? You are just waiting for the moment to bring us over to your friends in the government. That’s why you are here, I know you are smarter than them, _Natasha_.” Bucky said her name with an emphasis that made unpleasing chills run through her back. He was teasing her, trying her limits.

“What do you know about me?” She crossed her arms over her chest, leaning on the counter. “Come on, spit it out.”

“You are the Black Widow.”

The sound of the boiling water started increasing little by little. It was deafening between the silence of the room and she turned it off without taking her eyes off him. This was turning into a competition.

“And? Who I’m I to you?”

Bucky took a couple seconds to answer, trying to process what she really meant.

“A spy. A Good one.”

“Yeah, and?”

“That. Should it be more?” He ran his tongue through his lips and laced his fingers together, his broad shoulders and built arms were even more prominent like this.

“You tell me. Because that doesn’t say much, does it?”

“Stop playing games with me, Romanoff.”

Natasha made a muffled laugh, showing that she wasn’t slightly afraid of him. It was obvious he knew more than he let on.

“You are the one who’s going in circles, Barnes. I just asked you a question.”

“I did it first.”

“And I did answer. How about you?” she snapped, trying to swallow down the growing irritation inside her. Everything is so fucking hard with him.

“Steve might be stupid enough to trust you but I’m not.”

“Yet you let me in.”

“So, is it revenge?”

And that was it.

“Revenge? What’s your problem, Barnes? I’m trying to help you. I don’t know what you think you know, and I don’t care.” She grabbed the folder and started walking, this whole thing was a mistake. “I don’t even know why I’m here.”

“Wait. No,” Bucky stood up abruptly, standing in front of her, sighing and running his hands through his face, “I’m sorry, please, stay. It’s just that… all this is over me and I’m tired of running, of hiding. Just tired.” Natasha glared at him examining his eyes, only finding the fatigue that’s taken over him. “Please?”

_Steve, this is for Steve too._

“It’s fine, I really can’t blame you after everything you’ve gone through. You should rest,” she said dryly without making eye contact.

If there was something that bothered her was when people brought up her past and the things she has done. And she knows he understands, but the man was on edge, using the aggressive play to cover his suffering. It wasn’t his fault, but that made her lose her composure a bit.

Natasha was still uncertain about him and about everything in general. It was bothering and totally pointless mostly because she had no mission, she wasn’t trying to extract information from him or anything, yet she was there falling for his games and trying to convince him that she came in peace. For what purpose? But his determined hate and then his begs were something. He didn’t want to be alone, it really didn’t matter who he was with.

Being forced to become the winter soldier all these decades must have brought him horrible consequences, especially now that he’s been hiding these years just to be used again. Being alive must be nothing but misery for him.

Barnes didn’t move until Natasha walked away, coming back to her place on the counter, while he remained on his feet.

“You said it was revenge,” she asked emotionless while observing her foot.

“Hm?”

“That I was here for revenge. Why?”

Instinctively, Bucky bit his bottom lip thinking of how to phrase his answer. Perhaps he was too harsh with her.

“Because I know what I have done. And everybody wants revenge.” Traces of anger on his voice.

“And you really think I’m that resentful?”

He looked down and then came back to her with an intense expression, almost alluring, “I don’t know. That´s what I’m trying to figure out.”

“I thought you knew already.” Her lips quirked briefly. She Finally had her chance to make herself a cup of coffee, a little of sugar and that was it. The cup was held between her hands while he leaned on the wall, further than before. “Listen, you and Steve need move carefully, if not, this is not going to end well for neither of you. I mean it.”

His expression instantly changed, “I never intended to drag him into this. He insisted, I told him not to.”

“Doesn’t surprise me, he would do anything for you. That’s why he’s here now.”

“Yeah, but he… There are things he doesn’t understand.”

“Then let him. He doesn’t care about the things you did, you are the only thing left from his old life, he wants to have you around and that’s enough.” One sip of the hot drink burning her tongue.

“I know, but I can’t. Not yet, I can still feel it. The blood, the pain. Waking up finding more and more memories of dead people, terrible things I’ve done. Nobody understands that.”

“You think I don’t?” he glanced at the floor, “you can’t do anything about it. You will have to learn to live with that. But having somebody to have your back helps enough.”

“It’s more complicated than that, what if I told you that I enjoyed murdering those people?” His voice was getting louder and harsh. She hated when men did that.

“Not true.”

“And if I tell you that I enjoyed crushing your neck and I was just waiting to break it? What if every time we saw each other I just wanted to see you dead?” He got closer and she stiffened a little.

“Yes, but I’m here, right? If the winter soldier would have wanted me dead, I would be dead already. What do you want? You think you can scare me that easily?” She raised an eyebrow in defiance. 

“Steve is not around, don’t act like you care.”

“Care? I’m being totally honest with you, Barnes. I know you have gone through hell and after all that’s happened, I still care. Why won’t you listen to me?”

“Why the fuck should I listen to you? You think that just because we were together once we are going to be friends now?”

Natasha widened her eyes a little in surprise and put down the mug between her hands.

“What did you say?”

“That I know. The thing that happened between us.”

Bucky was surprised by his own accusation and the sudden change on her face. Shit, that wasn’t a good idea, he wasn’t supposed to say that. At least not yet. All those voices and images coming back to him.

“What? What do you remember?”

“We just were together and we weren’t supposed to. Your hair was curlier, I think. I never heard you when you walked.” The man chuckled emotionless while Natasha observed him with a serious look. “They took everything from me. I don’t have anything, nothing else to offer.” He pursed his lips and his grimace turned quickly into deep anguish.

“You are more than what they made you. You’ll see that one day you won’t have to keep hiding anymore. But I’ll take time.”

“That happened to you?”

She shrugged, “I’m here. I promise things are going to be fine.”

“You say it like you mean it.” His voice became softer and gentler, shyly approaching her and invading her safe spot in the kitchen but without making her feel trapped. He leaned on the freezer with something like a meter and a half dividing them.

She could feel his sudden change in his voice and eyes, a completely different person.

“Because I do.”

“Did… Did you ever think about…”

_About me?_

_About the times I hurt you or about the times I loved you?_

_Of us?_

A thousand questions were crossing his mind and not even one would leave his mouth, but she noticed his struggles to finish the question and understood where it was going.

“You? I used to, you were always there, trying to kill me or someone else. It was complicated.”

He gave her a wry smile that faded promptly, “I’m sorry, I…”

Bucky lost his trail of thought in his attempts to apologize, hoping she could see through it or through him.

It’s really hard for him to understand why she is here, life’s been awful to both of them. He’s had a rough time, but shit, she was used too. Used and manipulated, turned into an assassin, a mere tool. Bucky would have done anything for her if that meant living one more day, but they made him hurt her, her and a lot of people. Lots of people.

Natasha started closing the gap between them, slowly placing her hand over his left shoulder, above his heart and right where the metal met his skin. The woman could feel his heartbeat underneath his shirt, his steady and quiet breathing.

“I know. It’s fine.”

He sighed deeply, his chest raising and falling with her hand, “thanks.”

Bucky knew, he really knew what she was trying to do, her attempts to help him. But trying to detach himself from the thoughts was hard sometimes. Finding good among the chaos and fear.

Her compassionate and green eyes were still over him, trying to ground him, making sure he was there with her and not somewhere else brooding.

“You there?”

“Yeah,” he answered, grabbing her hand above his shoulder and squeezing it softly with the flesh of his hand. Kind.

Natasha knew that being this strangely close to him was dangerous in every way. But there was something fascinating on touching him, observing him so close, almost forbidden. Old habits, old habits.

With his other hand, he lightly brushed some of her copper colored hair locks, he was slowly coming closer, leaning forward to her. She could feel the heat irradiate from his body, the bitter of his breath over her face, almost tasting the blood of his lips.

Until he pulled back.

“I…” he looked down, almost embarrassed, pulling down her hand from his shoulder gently but without looking at her in the eye. “You should see the files Steve left for you,” he said while turning around. What? No. He doesn’t get to call the shots.

“Wait.” She grabbed him by the arm, and without a second thought she placed her hands on his neck and her lips on his. Warm and way softer than she thought they would be.

A gentle brush of the lips, but enough for him to remember what was like to give and receive this kind of affection, a chaste and tender kiss that gave him an electric sensation on the stomach. Everything faded away for a little moment, there was nothing more than them on the world.

Natasha pulled away, with a few fingers touching the bristles of his face, he slowly opened his eyes and she stared intensely at them, searching for a slight sparkle, anything. His pale blue iris showed a different kind of shine, euphoria mixed with confusion that made them nothing but magnetic to look at.

He licked his lips, savoring the taste that lingered on them, “what is this? why is it always you?”

“I’m sorry you had to go through all of this.” She was slowly letting go of his neck, her voice soothing and low.

“You kissed me out of pity?”

“No, I just wanted to see if...”

“If I still felt something for you?”

“What? No, I- “

“Because I do,” she felt like her heart stopped for a second, “I still do.”

God, this man.

“Even if you still do…”

He shook his head, interrupting her, “it doesn’t matter, that’s not what you’re here for.”

“But I- “ Her phone vibrated, a text message from Tony.

_“Where re u Nat?_ _I already know how can we pull this off. It'll be fun. I NEED YOU HERE."_

She put her phone back to her jacket, “shit.”

“Do you have to leave now?”

“I’d really like to stay, wish you could go with me.”

“Why don’t you go with us?”

She smiled lazily, “I would if I could.”

“I know. Me too.”

The expression on his eyes was different, nothing in comparison to the anger and wariness she saw when she walked in, now there was calmness and serenity, less darkness. So, this is how he looks when he drops his guard. But there was still fear behind those eyes, Natasha didn’t want to leave him here alone, but there was no other choice. Why must everything end up like this?

“Tell Steve I came.” She sighed softly, opening the door. “I wish we could have seen each other under better circumstances.”

He nodded and pursed his lips, “you think we can catch up later?”

“Only if we can make it through this.”

“Deal.”

She gently patted his shoulder and his mouth curved into a smooth smile, staring at each other in a comfortable silence.

“Are you going to be fine?”

“Yeah.”


End file.
